12

I wrote this on Tag's 12th birthday and posted to Facebook but didn't write here.  So I am adding it in so I have all of these writings in one place.  

12

3.22.16

Twelve seems like a good number.  A dozen.  Many good things come as a dozen.  Doughnuts.  Roses.  Cookies.  Balloons.  Those are the first things that come to mind, none of which I would turn away if offered them.

This year 12 has a new meaning.  It is my how old my son would be if he had not been born silently.  A dozen years of stillness.  Quietness on earth while he grows up in heaven.  

A tween.  Almost a teenager.  I certainly know what teenage boys are like after having two of them.  I wonder daily what he would have been like.  I wonder how he would look.  I don’t doubt how he would smell.  LOL...teenage boys stink!!!  I wonder what color his eyes would be.  I wonder how long he would have to wear braces (it’s inevitable for my kids, sorry!).  I wonder if his hair would have stayed so dark.

I know I will know one day and no longer wonder those things when I get to go home in heaven and see him.  I am not missing a moment here to go there.  But oh what a day that will be.  To hug him. To hold him again.  To see him alive.  My arms still ache.  My heart still breaks.  My eyes still get wet because I miss him.  I PRAISE GOD that He is in control and has a plan for my life.  It is so not what I would have planned.  He knows best.  I have to trust that.  I have to trust Him.  My feet are on the Rock.  He is my strength.  But I also have to live the life He has given me so it is not for naught.  So it counts for eternal glory.  For His glory.

Oh baby Tag.  You are so loved.  So missed.  Never forgotten.  Always loved.

Happy birthday baby boy!

Always your mommy, my angel baby.

Ugly Trees and Roots

This week as I walked the property with a client at a house with 5 acres they are in process of buying, we came across this tree beside the creek.  One buyer commented to the other, “How is that tree even still alive?”  The other responded, “It has roots.”  I just tucked that away and paused to see it.  Not just look at it.  Of all the tall straight hardwood trees that surrounded us, it did stand out.  It is not really pretty. It does grab your attention.  It made me stop and have a moment.  A moment to think about roots, about unpretty trees, about what makes it that way.

Instantly I thought of a verse—Psalm 1:3 He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water…in whatever he does, he prospers.

Yes, this tree is firmly planted.  It is a wonder it is still standing.

How often do we feel that away about our lives? I know I sure do.  We long for straightness.  Tallness. Perfection.   But yet we end up gnarled.  Ugly.  Crooked.  Barely hanging on.

Except for our roots.  Roots are powerful.  Roots feed us from the inside out.  Roots draw from where we are planted and give us the nourishment we need to survive all of the storms, seasons, winds and other natural forces around us.  Roots make it ok to be gnarled.  Ugly.  Crooked. Just barely hanging on.   

We need to look at what are our roots.  What feeds our soul. Yes, the Word of God.   The love of God. But what else?  

Relationships.  Family.  Friends.

Quiet reflection.  Enjoying nature.  Doing things we that bring us joy. 

Love.  Hope.  Peace. 

Laughing.  Loving.  Living.

Life is too short to miss a moment.  I was so glad for this one to take a moment to reflect on roots and ugly trees beside a quiet stream.

Comfort

As a southerner, a word I like to put with comfort is food.  I think about things like country fried steak and mashed potatoes.  Homemade mac & cheese.  Chicken pot pie.  Tomato soup and grilled cheese. Lasagna. It's lunch time, can you tell? :)

But comfort is a word that grieving persons understand.  Yet something that is very hard to feel, at times.  It is hard to receive comfort because that means that it is ok.  You certainly don't feel like things are all ok.

How does one find comfort? How did I find comfort?  For the first week, I was carried.  Carried by prayers.  Literally surrounded by them.  Carried by shock.  Barely putting one foot in front of the other but yet moving ahead.  I still had two amazing kids who needed a mom.  I still had things to do.  I still had to live.

Comfort came in time.  Comfort still comes.  A note from a friend. A hug.  Even having a friend come fold your laundry with you.  Or bring dinner (like said comfort food above).  Comfort comes from THE Comforter, who knows the heart of God and that God is God and has a plan for your life.

A comfort even that still comes years later is instant heart friends who have also experienced infant or pregnancy loss.  No words are needed.  You both know how it felt to hold the still body of your child.  You both know how heartwrenching it was to bury that body in the ground.  Dust to dust.  But you share the hope of seeing him one day again in glory.  Knowing that Jesus Himself holds your baby.

Comfort is the presence of God.  We see that Presence wherever we go.  In His creation.  In His children.  In our hearts.

We are comforted to be able to comfort others.  A verse that had a new meaning for me is 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NASB)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

Comfort comes. God's presence heals.  Healing is comfort.

This week.

This week is one I dread every year.  Leading up to the birthday of my son born silently.  This year is 11.

I emptied my heart completely in October when I made it about 10 days into a 30 day writing challenge with other moms about our losses.  It ripped me to pieces to go through that exercise.  But is also was very freeing and healing to share my story and my heart.

This year I want to write a few posts this week about lessons learned from my sweet boy. Today love.

Love is God. God is love. He loves us more than we know. He has loved us since the beginning of time.  He will love us forever.

I think we get so caught up in the details, the do's and don'ts, that we lose sight of the love of God.  This morning the sunrise sky reminded my of His love.  Last week a beautiful flower in an ugly forest showed me.  He is there. He loves me.

How different would we, would I, live if we/I truly lived in that kind of love??  Perfect love.  His perfect love.  Perfect love casts out fear.  Fear involves punishment and the one who fears is NOT perfected in love.  (I John 4:18)  I am perfect in His love,  I am whole.  I am beautiful.  I am so loved.  And so are you.  

Abide in that love.  Live in it.  Float in it.  Swim in it.  BE in it.  Let it carry you as it did me through a horrific time yet one I wouldn't trade for the world.  No mother should bury a child.  No person should be without God's love.  

Empty arms ache.  A still womb is not natural.  Empty hearts ache.  Still souls are not how we are to live.  

Live life.  Don't miss a moment. Always see the beauty with the ugliness.

a different 10

10.  two hands. the big jump to double digits. is what we celebrate today for a sweet boy who is having the best party ever in heaven.

it blows my mind that it has been ten years since i had a son born silently.  it still blows my mind that we will celebrate at his grave instead of in a fun place that other 10 year old boys would enjoy.  i was done with babies when i found out we were having our third boy.  i am so glad God was not done.  katie is the joy of our world, even after the sorrow.  God's promises ring true...he does turn our sorrows to joy, and our ashes to beauty. but it is so NOT an easy path.

this year i am at a loss as to what even say on his birthday this year...i have experienced a different part of the grief cycle this past year over his loss--getting mad that this boy went straight to heaven and we don't get to see him grow up here.  we don't get to see his sparkling eyes.  i only saw closed eyes.  we don't get to know what kind of activities would he enjoy.  if he followed his big bros at all his life would be full of minecraft, legos, wii games and screen time.  maybe he would love to walk in the woods with tyler or go watch tom kick some butt at tae kwon do.  i don't know.  i do know he is so loved and so missed in our family.

i miss him everyday.  i hate that his body is in the ground but i know i should be happy his spirit lives in heaven.  i wish he'd be here to chase after his brothers.  i hate they miss having another brother here.  i hate that katie never got to see him either.  i have absolutely no doubt i will see him again and that Jesus himself rocked him in heaven.  truly. sounds wacky but i absolutely believe it.

my arms ached for so long to hold him.  my heart broke to many pieces.  my family is not complete without him here.  i have 4 portraits on my wall of my beautiful babies.  i only have 3 here.  3 amazing, each unique children.

a mother's grief never stops.  it does subside with time.  it is hard to even believe that this all happened--that i laid in a hospital bed with a beautiful still boy on my lap.  he should have been cuddling, nursing and floppy.  crying and taking in his new world.  not still and quiet.  not being covered in our tears.

march 22, 2004 is a day that will never be forgotten.  each moment. each second.  each person who prayed and carried me/us all through that horrendous, yet so full of grace, week.  each card is still saved.  each picture is so precious.  strands of hair. hand and foot prints.  just like my other babies.  but this one is different.

oh precious baby tag.  you are missed.  you are loved.  you will never be forgotten. you will be seen again.

JOSHUA TAGGART ("Baby Tag") SEIGLER

Born silently 3-22-2004

New Year 2014!!

I am so NOT good at new year resolutions.

In fact, I hardly ever even bother because they get lost in the shuffle of life.

This year I want to be different.  I just read a friend's blog and she talked about her resolution to read the Bible through in a year...BUT....it is the I WILL statement that is not always easy to follow thru on....here is the link:

http://kittimurray.com/the-disciple-who-follows/2013/12/31/promises-to-keep/

If I had to choose my top 3 resolutions, I think I would choose:

1.  To get and KEEP my house in order.  The word SIMPLE is hung across the wall you see as you enter my house.  The letters are RED so an easy reminder (theoretically) of how I want my life to be.  I WILL keep making progress to de-clutter, throw away the junk mail daily, put away clothes when I take them off (instead of over run the chairs in my room), and pick up the living room before I go to bed each night.  That sounds easy, but why is it so hard?

2.  To daily be in the Word.  It is my lifeline.  It is my grace for the day.  I NEED that connection and that reminder of who and WHOSE I am.  I really do love to study God's Word.  I am such a nerd to see how He has so intricately knit together His written words. There are treasures there to find EVERY day.  I, like my friend, would love to read the Bible through in a year.  BUT I also like to dig deep and find hidden treasures and connections. 

When cleaning out my library room (which got made into a playroom for Katie), I found my grandmother's Daily Walk Bible (that has the Scriptures broken down for you to read thru in a year).  I cried hard.  A page slipped out from a Bible study she had done and had her writing all over it.  I have such vivid memory of her in her recliner, reading from that book.  I don't know if she ever made it in a year, but I do know she too feasted on His word and loved reading it.  She was a very avid reader, but always made time for reading her Bible.

3.  To focus my time (limited that it is between kid drop off and pick up to/from school) to grow and maintain a healthy level in my business.  I have sold real estate for the most part of 18 years in January.  I love it.  I love each step and watching it all come together.  There is NOTHING like having a buyer find the right house and helping a seller find the right buyer for their home.  It is what I love to do...and, hopefully after years of experience, am good at.  I really like to have my phone ringing (even though I may complain) off the hook, having to coordinate showings, inspections, paperwork, closing, and every part of making a deal!  I feed on the adrenaline.  I love the excitement of never knowing which buyer will be THE ONE.  I LOVE knowing I have an offer in my inbox and the excitement of negotiating.

My three resolutions....ok friends, help me keep them!  :)

9

Today is the day nine long, but very short, years ago that our son Tag was born silently.

It seems so long ago, yet like yesterday.  It, of course, is a day I will never forget.

Our hearts were broken, yet we were in complete shock.  I was sitting at my doctor's office fully expecting to be sent to the hospital to have that baby.  I was, just in a completely different way.

He was so beautiful with jet black hair and the chubby little legs.  Even 2.5 weeks early (at 37.5 weeks) he was 9 lbs 1 oz...a big boy!!

There is so much I could write, but I will keep it short just to say that I am most thankful that God is the glue that holds my life together.   We literally were carried through the weeks following by MANY prayers, from literally hundreds of people across the US and around the world.

At times like these you have to believe the sovereignty of God.  You really just have to believe God.  There is no physical explanation that makes sense.  You just have to know God had (and HAS) higher purposes for Tag's little life.

I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus holds my baby boy and I will see him again.  We not only have the eternal hope of salvation and eternity with God, but we have a LIVING HOPE.  We have the resurrection power in our lives now.   We don't have to wait until eternity to be in His healing presence and experience His great love for us.

So in the words of Peter (1st book, 1:3--NASB)  "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."  READ THE REST..through vs 9.  These tests of our faith are only to produce a deeper faith and joy, and glory to God.

As awful as it is to walk through something like this, it is nothing compared to the glory of His grace.  Only by that grace, go I.

This is my beautiful baby boy.  This picture sits on my dresser and I do look at it daily.

To God be the glory forever and only to Him.