it blows my mind that it has been ten years since i had a son born silently. it still blows my mind that we will celebrate at his grave instead of in a fun place that other 10 year old boys would enjoy. i was done with babies when i found out we were having our third boy. i am so glad God was not done. katie is the joy of our world, even after the sorrow. God's promises ring true...he does turn our sorrows to joy, and our ashes to beauty. but it is so NOT an easy path.
this year i am at a loss as to what even say on his birthday this year...i have experienced a different part of the grief cycle this past year over his loss--getting mad that this boy went straight to heaven and we don't get to see him grow up here. we don't get to see his sparkling eyes. i only saw closed eyes. we don't get to know what kind of activities would he enjoy. if he followed his big bros at all his life would be full of minecraft, legos, wii games and screen time. maybe he would love to walk in the woods with tyler or go watch tom kick some butt at tae kwon do. i don't know. i do know he is so loved and so missed in our family.
i miss him everyday. i hate that his body is in the ground but i know i should be happy his spirit lives in heaven. i wish he'd be here to chase after his brothers. i hate they miss having another brother here. i hate that katie never got to see him either. i have absolutely no doubt i will see him again and that Jesus himself rocked him in heaven. truly. sounds wacky but i absolutely believe it.
my arms ached for so long to hold him. my heart broke to many pieces. my family is not complete without him here. i have 4 portraits on my wall of my beautiful babies. i only have 3 here. 3 amazing, each unique children.
a mother's grief never stops. it does subside with time. it is hard to even believe that this all happened--that i laid in a hospital bed with a beautiful still boy on my lap. he should have been cuddling, nursing and floppy. crying and taking in his new world. not still and quiet. not being covered in our tears.
march 22, 2004 is a day that will never be forgotten. each moment. each second. each person who prayed and carried me/us all through that horrendous, yet so full of grace, week. each card is still saved. each picture is so precious. strands of hair. hand and foot prints. just like my other babies. but this one is different.
march 22, 2004 is a day that will never be forgotten. each moment. each second. each person who prayed and carried me/us all through that horrendous, yet so full of grace, week. each card is still saved. each picture is so precious. strands of hair. hand and foot prints. just like my other babies. but this one is different.
oh precious baby tag. you are missed. you are loved. you will never be forgotten. you will be seen again.
JOSHUA TAGGART ("Baby Tag") SEIGLER
Born silently 3-22-2004
